Self Love

Love is defined as an intense feeling of deep affection or a great interest of pleasure in something. Self-love is defined as regard for one’s own well-being and happiness. I love that Valentine’s Day falls in Black History Month. It has me reflect on something I have had struggled with, continue to struggle with, self-love.

I can honestly remember more times when I didn’t love myself than when I did.

The first time was when I finally joined public school. Before public elementary school, I was in Montessori which had kids from all over the world in a school that was no more than 20 kids total grades 1st – 3rd. When I joined public school in the 4th grade I remember my first week was just the worst. Not only was I the new kid, but I also didn’t know very much on how to make friends. In Montessori school, it was so organic because we all had a curiosity about each other as we were so different but yet so similar. I can remember it like it was yesterday. It had to be my first week in school, a girl came up to me during a class break in the hallway and said: “I don’t like you because your black”. Let’s rewind a bit.

Growing up, I honestly didn’t even know I was a different color skin tone let alone knew the concept of race. So hearing those words for the first time, I was in shock. All I can remember of that day was crying hysterically when I got home and later on asking my parents what did “being black” meant. If you are a minority, you probably had some version of “The Talk” in your life and that’s when I had my elementary version (because “The Talk” changes as you get older). It was the first time I remember not loving myself and wishing I could be anything other than black.

The second most intimate time was when I was sexually assaulted at 15 years old. This pain was deeper as I wasn’t sure 1) if I was even possible of being loved 2) was I only worth my body and nothing else 3) would anyone want me now that I am “broken” and may not ever be repaired. This hatred of myself took years of therapy to be undone and took a toll on my relationships with friends, family, and anyone that came into contact with me.

As I reflect on these times that are engrained in my past and my existence, I do look at how far I have come with the help of therapy and a supporting circle of friends and family. Though it is a struggle to practice self-love each day, I will say it gets easier and it puts each day in a different light. Some tips I have learned along the way are:

1. Daily Affirmations – I know I am repeating a tip from the first post but these really work. Fake it until you make it, is my motto. It took me a long time to be comfortable with speaking affirmations out loud. I started with writing them down and sticking them to my bathroom mirror so I can read them in the morning and face myself in the mirror. I even know have affirmations I keep on my work laptop that is related to my career and one tapped to the inside of my agenda book.
2. Schedule in your version of self-care – Self-care can mean anything, it could be sitting in a room in silence, having a spa day with your girls, playing video games or even having a dance party by yourself. Schedule sometime during the month to have a day of self-care. Right now, I have scheduled one “No Social Media” day a month. I challenge myself to only use my phone for phone calls or to text important information the whole day. I even try to get lost in my own city just to see how well I know it.
3. Try therapy – I say this because therapy can be such a useful tool. I still go therapy twice a month regardless if things are looking good, bad, or ugly. It keeps me on track with my emotions, allows me to have a third party that is non-judgmental, and I get professional help. If you are thinking about the idea of therapy, download TalkSpace or look into your health insurance. Many insurance plans will include mental health services with potentially low co-pays.