Leaning into Faith, Not Fear

Have you ever felt like the other shoe was going to drop? Did you think something bad was all of a sudden going to happen because things were just going way too well? Letting fear run the way I lived my life never worked out for me, but it was a comfort I was constantly seeking. I saw the way fear felt because I knew how to protect myself from what was going to happen next—at least I thought I was able to.

Being diagnosed with anxiety, it seemed like fear came along with the ride. Now, I know it is an emotion I can’t avoid, but I used to live in it constantly. Even to this day, I have to remind myself not to lean into fear and be vocal about when it is happening to allow others to help me climb out of that hole.

Throughout my 20s, I could never imagine life moving in the direction I wanted, let alone in the right direction. It was starting to feel as though as I moved three steps forward, I was pushed one step back. So, my way of getting ahead, of what I thought was punishment, was self-sabotage. This made me feel like I could have more control of anything that was negatively coming for me.

Honestly, fear seemed to be the only thing I could keep my faith in. It reminded me that I was alive but how easily my life could end in a second, and it kept my anxiety alert. In my mind, that was the comfort and safety I was used to, and I didn’t see another way to live.

“Understanding the depths of humanity has brought up new fears and anxiety-ridden dreams and thoughts that I haven’t experienced.“

I am not sure what started to get me to the point of not wanting to live that way, but I am glad I started the work. It could have been the interactions I had with my husband when we were dating or the anxiety attacks beginning to increase; I had to put my faith in something other than this emotion. I returned to my upbringing and started to develop a relationship with God again. Though I had been baptized, I had to make sure I had a relationship with Him that was my own.

Putting my faith in Him made life easier, but it didn’t come without work. Having faith in God also just didn’t stick because I had a foundation to start from. I had to find ways to continue a relationship, study the word, and develop the relationship. To this day, I still do things to keep my relationship with God and my faith intact because negative situations still arise in life.

For those who do have faith in a higher power, there are some of the actions I took to keep faith in and fear at bay:

1. Silent Prayer Sessions – I started using my meditation sessions as prayer sessions. I didn’t see too much difference in them; meditation allowed me to clear my mind to have better conversations with God. It also allowed me to pray with intention, not based on repetition.
2. Finding a Church Home—I was dating churches constantly, but I never felt like I belonged in one. I had to make it a point to find a church home where I could hear God speak through different sermons instead of picking and choosing what to hear and when.
3. Laying my Worries to Rest – I can be quite controlling, and I think keeping my worries will help me maintain the outcome. I still worry a bit, but I have to start giving my fears to God. Now, it doesn’t mean I don’t do the work, but it allows God to help me dissolve the concern in the appropriate way

For those who do not believe in a higher power, here are some actions I take as well

1. Visualization – For me, this is a different form of meditation. I take some uninterrupted time to visualize what I would like my life to look like. I imagine what that looks like, the feelings that come with it, and the people/places around, near, or with me. Some do this in their normal meditation practice, others do this with a physical version (i.e. vision boards). I prefer to do this in my meditation and then make a physical version of it in some shape or form
2. Identification of Triggers – I always mention journaling, but this can help learn so much about yourself without keeping everything committed to memory. I had to start writing down when I would be the most fearful and what were some items that were triggering my anxiety. Identifying those triggers made it so much easier to find ways to rearrange the way I wanted to respond to actions/people in my life

I know I no longer want to be a person who is ruled by fear. I am a person who leans into my faith to guide me to stay on the correct path and moving in the right direction to the person I am meant to be. This year is truly the year of finally transforming out of the past me, becoming the present me to set me up to be the ultimate best version of me in the future. Are you joining me on this ride?