Learning to Love Through Transition

 Transition is difficult on its own, but it is something we, as humans, can not avoid. As I am journeying into my 3rd decade on earth, it occurred to me the way in which I love myself has changed. Looking back at the past two decades, I am starting to learn how my mindset has shifted.

    During your teenage years, it is so critical to have the best influences because they shape how you start to form habits in treating yourself and others in this world. At this time in my life, loving myself didn’t exist. I was taught through my trauma that there was no reason to love other aspects of yourself if all others wanted from you was 90% sexual and nothing else. I couldn’t figure out one thing I liked about myself and only focused on how I got others to like and love me so I could fill that void. Those thoughts didn’t change as I transitioned from my teenage years to my 20s. Though they didn’t change, they however didn’t hold as much weight. I started to think about how I truly wanted to live my life, and I didn’t want to have to keep pleasing others just to feel loved. Now venturing into my 30s, I am finally connecting the importance of loving yourself and how much of an influence it can have on your direction in life.

So…How is it different from decade to decade? When did I come to understand the difference?

 Well, the first thing I noticed is I no longer care as much about how others feel about me to a certain extent. I think in the matter of a professional setting, I should care about how I am being perceived, but a lot of that can come from self-love and confidence. I always present myself in a better light when I am taking care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. 

The second thing I notice is how I define what loving myself looks like and what it depends on; it is never dependent on how others choose to love me, including my spouse. 

Third is that you are a lot more sure of yourself in your 30s. This makes things a bit easier in understanding what serves you positively vs negatively. Being confident in what you want, how you want to live your life, and what you are willing to keep vs compromise makes quite a difference.

What has stayed the same? What has changed?

I’m not the best, but I haven’t changed too much when it comes to viewing myself as someone who is worthy of love. Those thoughts still creep into my head every now and then. I even kept the way I feel about my body as well. Just like the way I view myself, it is going to take me some more time to rewrite those habit loops.

As for what has changed, taking time to love myself is definitely different. I have to be intentional about doing that; it could be a self-care day or just getting some much-needed mental rest time. I didn’t do that at all when I was in 20s and I resulted to drinking, which didn’t have me in the best place personal or professionally. I also take self-love more seriously. I used to think it was all the aesthetically pleasing actions, which it can be for some, but it was much more than that for me. I had to do the hard work of introspective thinking, reliving past memories to understand the motivations for some of my actions, and learning to control the anger I held on to for way too long.

What are some lessons you are taking away from your internal reflection?

1. Self-love should be taken just as seriously as you nourish your body with food each day.
2. Don’t wait to do the work; start early so you can enjoy your life journey.
3. Self-love doesn’t stop, and it doesn’t always look like folks show on social media.
4. Self-love can not be filled with anything other than self-love.
5. Loving yourself is one of the beauties of living

With this new journey in my 30s of self love, I am learning to enjoy the ride and learning something new about myself each and every day. I challenge you to find something new about yourself that you love this year. Happy February!