Pausing Saved My Life

Definition: Verb – interrupt action or stop briefly; Noun – a temporary stop in action or speech

Growing up, I always had a tight schedule. Outside of regular school and homework, I was involved with quite of few activities. I was either in a sport, involved with Jack and Jill and/or CoEtte events, or in the church. My schedule that my parents had set for me, didn’t leave lots of room to take a moment and PAUSE. Though I understood the importance of a packed schedule at that age, I didn’t know how to get out of it. I continued with a packed schedule all through college, grad school, and even at my job. Can you imagine having almost every hour of your day planned with something?

Don’t get me wrong,  I understood the importance of my schedule and was grateful for it. When I finally learned the importance of pausing, it saved me from going down a rabbit hole.

I knew the importance of taking a break or pausing because my body would get sick if I didn’t and due to therapy sessions, but I also never took it seriously. I remember working in my sales role, and I was moving from one project to the next during the Chicago winter season. At that time, it was freezing outside, it was gloomy every day, and I was only leaving my apartment once a week to get groceries. Though I am used to the winter, I was starting to experience seasonal depression and I wasn’t addressing the built-up stress. I felt as though I was way too busy to take of my physical and mental health. I hadn’t realized I was spiraling down and it was getting into dangerous territory. It wasn’t until I realized I had drunk two bottles of wine and woke up so depressed and hungover, that I finally paused. Of course, I had a good cry first, but I really did spend that weekend reflecting on my last few months.

I had to start asking myself the following questions:

1. When did this start?
2. Why did I stop putting my physical and mental health aside?
3. Am I becoming addicted to alcohol or is it masking something?
4. What am I am feeling at this moment or have been feeling these past weeks?
5. When is the last time I spoke to my therapist?

Those are just a few of the questions I was asking myself. I felt so horrible that weekend, but I needed to feel that way and take the time to understand, pause and reflect on what was going on. Since that weekend, I made it important to take some time for myself, whether that is hours to myself, a slow Saturday with my husband or even incorporating meditation. I am not glad I put myself in a dangerous situation, but I am grateful for learning the reason for pausing and taking a step back. I hope you find some time to pause and reflect and what that looks like for you.